36 Hours in Plymouth/Provincetown
& Boston. America, I.R.L.
this piece was on the blog at 4:44 am this morning. become a member over there if you want stuff sooner (for some reason idk) I also start a lot of half-baked threads over there hahah. like one recently on David Bowie. I know we’re sort of spread across the internet still bc internet and content is notoriously hard to monetize, which is why i’m really thinking about what this can be and what you all want (pitch me ideas on the blog!!)
Intro
Hello. I am back.
I needed to hide from the internet for a little bit. I did this performance art piece last Halloween as a girl in a glass box. I wrote a story that it was based on. And then I lost the file :o
Three hours into the piece, I suddenly wanted to hide. Didn’t want to be looked at. I felt like that for a bit, I think. But hello, I am back.
I’ve struggled with depression on and off ever since I was a little girl. Around twelve, I think was the age. I think if I’d made more art, besides ballet, it may have been easier. But you find the things that help you get through, and then keep going, and then feel good.
As you all know, I’ve had a tough year. Around May things got really bad. I wasn’t eating enough and ran these insane stretches until I was withering. My sweet, New York Grandfather told me this story about a woman he knows who stopped eating and began to look awful. Now, in retrospect, I realize that was his way of asking “are you okay?”
And then that question came again and again.
I kept hearing this phrase in my head – “sometimes you wake up and you’re different and it’s ok.”
I was at a meeting in Miami Beach.
“Are you okay?” he said, “There is a light that is missing.”
My father went to Miami with me and he expressed concern. And when enough people notice something, you start to acknowledge it yourself. I went to Kansas to heal. To be around my parents and to do something. I am a fixer. And when there is something I cannot fix I try to fix everyone around me. I tried to get my parents to give up smartphones. I tried to get my father into my deep cut vegetables because I was afraid of bread. Because when something goes on—with you, with the world— the hardest part is sitting still, you know? I put some weight back on. I was outside a lot. I went to Medicine Lodge. Stayed outside for as long as I could.
And now I’m in Massachusetts.