Gift Guides for People who Don't Exist

what I would get these characters for Christmas

HUMBERT HUMBERT

• A case

• Therapy

• Less cultural romanticization

RASKOLNIKOV

• Stress ball

• A diary

• Mixhers Hernightly sleep aid - sleepy + cranky = irritable , irritable = murdering the mean old woman everyone owes debts to

ESTHER GREENWOOD

• iPhone 15 with tumblr pre-downloaded - bc let’s be honest she would dominate that platform, she would revive it from its yahoo demise

• The Happiness Hypothesis by Jon Haidt

• The Golden Key to Happiness by Ms. Saionji

HOLLY GOLIGHTLY

• a dog

• Seeking Arrangements premium version - then she wouldn’t have to throw so many parties to meet the men who fund her lifestyle. And she wouldn’t have had to take the weather report to the jail

• CAPNOS E-Z - because vaping is the 21st-century cigarette — people vape to look cool or calm anxiety or have something to do when they feel awkward or are bored. everyone knows you need healthy lungs to party all night, quitting resources here

LORELEI LEE

• Better best fried - Dorothy is always undercutting her. boo

• Better taste in men - Older does not equal wiser… oops, is that a mirror?

• Benetint - My favorite natural red lip. With a little Aquaphor. yum

HEATHCLIFF

• An Airline voucher - Like sir… leave… yes romance and all, but there are other women in the world. Don’t kill the vibes for the entire estate. Let her go, and you will be happier

• Shea moisture curling smoothie - He’s definitely racially ambiguous, so I’m just going. to plug one of my tried and trusty products that my hair loves here

• Blue Banisters on vinyl - ultimate breakup album

IRENE WILSON

• Hardcover Madame Bovary - good to read as one is coming of age, has realistic depictions of love and humanity

• My Mother, My Self by Nancy Friday - this one is on my shelves and I’m not ready to crack it open haha

• The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller - boss one in the individuation battle

• The entire Bachelor franchise on DVD - silly little escapism

Imagine with me in the comments!!! who would you get what for (and what are you eying for others and yourself this holiday season)?