I’m a Professional Fizzler
Dating Like Dostoevsky #1
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We are back
once told me “everything in the world is designed to get your attention.”
Jonathan Haidt once told me “you can have all the money you want in the world, the only thing that’s limited is your attention.” I’ve been thinking about how both things are true with dating. Maybe it’s because as I jogged around this week, a couple of men literally put their hands out to try to get my attention.
One yelled “sexy a$$,” after me, which was humiliating. One man started jogging with me, I think. I didn’t look. In the past two years, I’ve met four men while jogging. And clearly none of them have worked out, even though I hear the westside highway is where everyone is meeting these days.
A couple of months ago, I was doing this bit on reels of “day 1 of trying to find a husband in New York,” mentioning that I wanted to be married with two kids before 30. I was not at all serious. I was stuck on something Rachel Yoder said on our podcast about motherhood and domesticity as performance art.
I think I was also mourning my friend who passed away at 30. I always sort of assumed
that she would save the world and that
she would have children
As I realized that neither of those things would happen for her, I guess I subconsciously took on the responsibility for both and fell into a period of needing space and privacy to heal.
But lately, people in my life keep asking me “what do you want?” And Napoleon Hill in Think and Grow Rich (which we’ll read together in July) says that one of the easiest ways to not reach your full potential is to not plan ahead or remain focused.
So to that I say, I think there are intentional ways of dating that allow you more time to do other stuff. Bc I know we’ve all been on a date and thought “man this person is lovely, but I’d rather be home reading. Or watching a really nice movie in a theater alone. Or playing the piano.”
I met this gallerist in the park. I ran into him again at McNally in soHo a week or so later. I spotted him first and then watched him make his way throughout the store to pretend to run into me. We started talking about art and Alain de Botton, and then walking together.
“What do you want in ten years?” he asked as we walked through the cool summer air (cliche phrase, I know but that’s what it wassss). He also casually dropped that he was on the Forbes 30 under 30 list and owned a Van Gogh. I was impressed by one of these things.
I thought about his question. I have been thinking about it a lot. So I said “I want to have a big business, I want to have a few books out, and I want two kids.”
I want to be a younger mom, like mine was. To run around with them and have energy. And I want to be with someone who supports us enough for us to travel with children. I wants those kids to be really fucking cool, you know? Like well-read, well-adapted, and happy. Tri-lingual. Cool.
But like this one Drake song says, I think I have not been looking in the right places. Once, after I complained about being “manic-pixie-dream-girled,” my brilliant friend and former work hub asked me if I felt like I’d been presenting myself in dating to be taken seriously. It was a brilliant question. So as I date really intentionally and keep you all in the loop, I think I’m going to work on my own project reflecting on some of my favorite exes and how/where I met them.
Maybe it’ll be another book. Who knows :o
One thing at a time.
I was supposed to have a date today with this really sweet model/musician who I’ve been seeing on and off for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. This piece is literally about him.
I remember he was the first time I saw a can of liquid death. I’m not sure why that sticks with me. Maybe because it’s very on brand for him, you know? This fun, edgy, rocker type who has a soft side. I lent him my copy of This Side of Paradise once. I asked for it back and he brought it, cast down sort of like a sweet puppy.
He’s perfect. The first time we hung out, we listened to Sade for hours. But he’s unbelievably flakey. Unbelievably. Which, I get it. It’s New York. It’s the arts. It is what it is.
Dostoevsky really emphasizes that everyone is trying their best. That’s why I try not to hold grudges. I just spend a lot of time alone. A lot.
Tomorrow, I’m having dinner with my first Hinge date, from almost three years ago. We hang out. I put him in a group chat with my Dad the other day, because why not? I was bored and we were joking and it seemed fun.
We also didn’t see each other for years (I’m good at pewtering out) and then one night we got a drink at Balthazar and the first thing he asked me was “have you been in love?”
I said no, but I think the answer was yes. He’s in London. And he’s an artist that is so busy trying to hold everyone’s sadness that he won’t let himself pursue a joyful life. What can a girl do.
Sometimes I’m afraid I’m a Brad Pitt in dating. I’m good at blending into the life of whoever I’m smitten with. When it’s an entrepreneur, I’m really good at entrepreneurship. When it’s an artist, I’m all about my craft. When it’s an athlete, I’m WAG of the year.
Isn’t it funny how half of dating is figuring out who you are and how to signal that to other people? My friend Lily said that you can’t go looking for a partner, but they find you when you’re doing what God put you here for. I believe that, but I also don’t think you can just let life happen to you, you know?
I’m deleting the number of the musician. I can’t keep fizzling. I need to get better at closing doors.
I’m not a liquid death kind of girl, anyway. I don’t drink out of cans, at least I haven’t since I was a little girl sitting in my granny’s room while the rest of the family played chip it up. I’ve always liked Pellegrino. The man in London speaks French, too.
I think I may be getting tired of New York.
You all know that my faith is really important to me. I never want to force it on anyone else, but making it central to my life has added a lot of peace, comfort, and clarity, and I’m curious what it would be like to prioritize it more seriously in dating as well.
I have dinner with Mr. Hinge tomorrow. Very unclear if it is a date. And then I have a date right after with someone I met after re-downloading Hinge.
I’m leaving New York for the summer. Going to California next. I may go on a date there. I sort of want to introduce my own scientific method with this. Comment some ideas if you want.
Also, not to be annoying, but would some of you mind engaging with the account on Instagram? It really blew up with men last year and they scare me sometimes. I need more engagement from the ladies.
Here is my hinge profile. It mentions Dostoevsky: