I am afraid that my outsides don’t match who I am inside. And I am deeply afraid of marriage, I think. Which doesn’t really make sense for someone whose parents are still married. A rarity, I didn’t realize until middle school. But, as you all know, I’ve been doing a ton of reflection on people pleasing. and I’ve been reading that book about reflecting men, which discusses how women are socially constructed to please men pretty much all the time. And I’ve already written a bit about pageants, which you know by now I’m writing more on in the novel and how they make people pleasing pervasive. Instinctive.
i try not to mix up the idea of purity with my youth or my relationship status but as a woman those things feel so connected and definitive and out of my control.
it’s true our freedom is in our separation from husband and child even if they’re imaginary.
how can one feel loved in a cage? how will you know when it’s time to set aside your dreams and help build another’s?
why does being separate from girlfriend/mother/wife feel so clean and intrinsic? why would the man i love make me dirty and unrecognizable?
I am 27 & married for 3+ years, but it's interesting to me how many women see marriage as a surrender of an identity. I don't think it needs to be this way, as it isn't for men.
I definitely was afraid of losing myself before marriage, but my now husband sat with me through those feelings & found ways to diminish them. Even the tradition of taking a spouses name explicitly is a loss of identity, a piece of yourself.
I believe a healthy relationship has three entities (you, me & we) & actively nurtures all 3. The right partner furthers your understanding of self, they are a mirror to hold up against your deepest flaws. The glimmer of every relationship eventually turns into that reflective mirror. Finding the person whose hand you want to hold through the of learning & unlearning is where the real journey begins, in my opinion.
As women, we told the fairytale of weddings since we are quite literally little girls. Every story's arch concludes in a wedding ceremony. I remember as a kid feeling settled by the Happily Ever After. These narratives center relationships in women's lives & proclaim that being in a relationships, being worthy of l̶o̶v̶e̶ desire is the ultimate validation. As women we don't critically examine our relationships enough to ask if we are getting what we need from them, because getting them in itself is the endgame we are taught. "All About Love" by bell hooks comes to mind.
I applaud you for coming back to yourself. I hope that someday you find the person who doesn't make you sacrifice self-knowledge for love & whose embrace feels like wings and not a cage...& until then don't settle for less.
i try not to mix up the idea of purity with my youth or my relationship status but as a woman those things feel so connected and definitive and out of my control.
it’s true our freedom is in our separation from husband and child even if they’re imaginary.
how can one feel loved in a cage? how will you know when it’s time to set aside your dreams and help build another’s?
why does being separate from girlfriend/mother/wife feel so clean and intrinsic? why would the man i love make me dirty and unrecognizable?
those last two lines wow wow
I am 27 & married for 3+ years, but it's interesting to me how many women see marriage as a surrender of an identity. I don't think it needs to be this way, as it isn't for men.
I definitely was afraid of losing myself before marriage, but my now husband sat with me through those feelings & found ways to diminish them. Even the tradition of taking a spouses name explicitly is a loss of identity, a piece of yourself.
I believe a healthy relationship has three entities (you, me & we) & actively nurtures all 3. The right partner furthers your understanding of self, they are a mirror to hold up against your deepest flaws. The glimmer of every relationship eventually turns into that reflective mirror. Finding the person whose hand you want to hold through the of learning & unlearning is where the real journey begins, in my opinion.
As women, we told the fairytale of weddings since we are quite literally little girls. Every story's arch concludes in a wedding ceremony. I remember as a kid feeling settled by the Happily Ever After. These narratives center relationships in women's lives & proclaim that being in a relationships, being worthy of l̶o̶v̶e̶ desire is the ultimate validation. As women we don't critically examine our relationships enough to ask if we are getting what we need from them, because getting them in itself is the endgame we are taught. "All About Love" by bell hooks comes to mind.
I applaud you for coming back to yourself. I hope that someday you find the person who doesn't make you sacrifice self-knowledge for love & whose embrace feels like wings and not a cage...& until then don't settle for less.
thank you so much for sharing. Gives me hope <3
god ur so good
This was so good. So much of your experiences echo my own and this made my heart ache. Thanks for sharing :)